"No, you’re not old enough to baby-sit you sister and
brother, let alone yourself. You wouldn’t know what to
do in case of an emergency. We’ve hired a mature woman
who advertized in the newspaper." That was the end of
A large middle-aged woman arrives. The folks go out
for their evening of dinner and dancing. I go up to my
room to do homework, Joanie and Richard are playing in
their room Alma is downstairs in the den with its
adjacent bathroom, all freshly painted that day.
The den was a beautifully wood paneled room, books
arranged neatly on the shelves; a place for dad to play
cards with his buddies and see clients on occasion. Dad
never drank not even a sip in his entire life, but for
his visitors, he had a fully stocked liquor cabinet with
all the best brands of Scotch, Bourbon, Vodka, Gin,
I went downstairs to say goodnight, Alma followed me
upstairs to put the kids to bed. All was very, very
quiet, I fell asleep.
Then there was this terrible commotion, it must have
been after 2:00 am. Dad was on the phone calling the
fire department. There was not a whiff of smoke, why was
the fire department being called?
Now let me tell you the rest of the story:
Alma was a lush. For hours she had been enjoying the
supplies in the Den. So?
She had gone into the bathroom and there she stayed
reading a magazine. So?
She was there for a long time. So?
Long enough to get stuck to the freshly painted
toilet seat. She could not free herself, Mom and dad
couldn’t get her off. She is wailing, struggling and
drunk as hell. The firemen arrived with siren’s
shrieking. In they came in their full regalia. They
couldn’t pull her off. The solution: two firemen, one on
each side of the commode, squeezed down between the wall
and sink to unscrew the toilet seat. They lifted her off
along with the toilet seat attached, bare bottom and
hanging underpants and all, draped her with a blanket
and walked her bent over staggering figure out the front
door with this toilet seat protruding out from under the
cover; a perfectly framed pink behind. End of story
except, I got to baby sit from then on with proper
payment for my time.